How my mother’s treatment, and the related variables, affected me is complex and not logically consistent. Today, I would like to make a more personal post, in part because my essay deadline is tomorrow and I might not have time for a research post, but also because I think it is prudent.
Generally negative events weaken individuals in such a way, that they become more susceptible to further negativity, and that is why there tends to be subset of the population with a cluster of issues. So, being open about the different forms of negativity that affect me and how they relate to each other seems like a decent way to appeal to and convey information to a particular subset of people. I understand that some people might find some aspects of my blog distasteful but my blog isn’t really for those individuals.
“The conceptual framework clearly demonstrates the whole-life approach and how risk factors derived from adverse childhood experiences can accumulate… In comparison to the general population, adults who were harmed as children are 103 per cent more likely to smoke; 43 per cent more likely to become suicidal; 103 per cent more likely to become alcohol dependent, and 192 per cent more likely to develop addiction to drugs. And they are also more likely to become teenage parents, develop mental health problems, be obese; develop diabetes, cardiovascular disease etc; use more health and social care resources.” (the ACE study- adverse childhood experiences)
The above is shocking, and I think it says something about the awareness of political figures who cut or refuse to allow for the investment of social resources in a society, but I digress.
In a sense my blog, and its corresponding purpose, is a reaction to the taboo nature of some of the subject matter and the corresponding isolation I experience and I think other people like me might experience. I have been unable to participate in wider society, often I was kept indoors by my mother, I was bullied for my difference, and for my difference many did not want my participation in their activities. Because of this, I developed a sense that my different life must mean that I have a different purpose. Now I am not a religious person for I mean that my disposition coupled with my environment and the nature of my subsequent orientation would mean that I would end up moving further, or striving further naturally. By my purpose I mean the sort of desire that preoccupies me and awakens me. So, I tend to think a little grander than individuals who I think have a similar disposition but came from a different environment. I am fixated by a higher calling that is derived from something in myself and I am prepared to sacrifice my youth and the present to find a way to transcend this forest I find myself in.
I am prepared to give up relationships, defy ethical inclinations I might have, spend prolonged periods in isolation, suffer great pain, channel the majority of my energy in a single direction, and break however many conventions I have to to recover myself. By myself, I mean that I have always had a peculiar sense that I* was not my exterior. This is not mind-body philosophy this is a subjective experience. I felt that my inside was much greater than my outside and that the outside my inner self would have created has been stolen from me. In my head I was just as intelligent, just as creative, just as good, just as impassioned, and just as capable as the average student. If not more in terms of creativity and less in terms of practicality. In other words by virtue of my character there was a mismatch between how my immediate existence was and how people regarded me. In some ways I felt that I had been born in the wrong family, or time, or place.
What’s really interesting about this, is how this feeling of injustice is related to the ‘just world hypothesis’, the idea that people get what they deserve based on their character. So, the ‘just world hypothesis’ serves to both explain my mistreatment by others outside my family and my desire to transcend myself. I derive my determination from what has contributed a great deal to my pain.
In the end I may never be able to enjoy the freedom and trivialities of youth, I may never be loved by another in a way that correlates with the effort I have put into this life, but at least I think my life might have meaning. I don’t trust most people, I refer to people as humans in my head, for most are not nearly as moral as they think they are. But I am aware enough to know there are people like me out there,we are no better ethically than they are, and that my efforts might be of measurable use to some of them. Even if I don’t trust people at least I might one day be able to say that I have done measurable objective good.
In responding to the extent of the sadness I experienced I think something very psychologically interesting happened.I believe that the pain was so great that it was transformed into other kinds of emotions and experiences. If another person, for I cannot, were to able to experience the extent of the misery I have endured they would in a sense be burned. Any sadness I experience is always followed by a proportionate series of actions. I believe that this capacity has reprogrammed me in a way. I think that in another sort of life assuming my disposition was the same I would have been a cheerful, intuitive, authentic, and spontaneous creature (ENFP: http://www.16personalities.com/enfp-personality). However, my current personality is a fusion of disposition and adaptive programming. So through crying into science textbooks in college, wishing to transcend endlessly, through learning about self-development, through intensive reflection, through barren isolation, through the need to reorganise myself and the endless social rejection, I have become a modified version of my disposition.In another life I would have had the opportunity to reinforce and strengthen what I feel is my true disposition, but in this life I have had to reform myself. I am more organised, able to concentrate longer, reason better, learn quicker, be more determined, more stingy, and more steadfast than I would have been. Although I have payed for this modification in tears, creativity, and physiological breakage.
Lastly I would like to expand on my mild disfigurement. Essentially the right side of my face is flat because my mother didn’t feed me, which caused malnutrition (probably fat soluble vitamins), causing dental disintegration, rupture and extraction. Your jaw bone exists to anchor your teeth and when they are removed it is reabsorbed. Facial bones are quite interconnected, as you know bone becomes thicker with use, and unfortunately the reverse is also true. Most of the extractions took place in the right side, making it difficult to chew on that side of my face during puberty, so the bone in the right side of my face was absorbed twofold. This means that my eye and nose on the right of face are not as supported as on the left side. My nose even moves around in my face.Because of the extractions on the lower jaw it is not as broad as it should be which detracts from the quality of my face. The teeth about where the extractions took place extruded and moved, which narrowed my dental arch on my right side. The situation is even worse for it. In general I have literally no facial symmetry. Even my eye sizes are different which is an illusion created by a difference in cheekbones. Fortunately I find that once you appear relatively healthy, people simply see you as unattractive, and I don’t even think they do consciously. Rarely does a person look you straight on in such a way as to compare the two sides of your face. You become invisible. I once read that people underestimate facial asymmetry in other people and that this helps maintain social harmony. That said there are great advantages afforded by attractiveness that I may never have.
See for yourself.
Strangely, the situation is so negative that I am hopeful that definitive albeit unquantifiable improvement can be attained. I am having a dental implant on my right side in January, I now sleep on my left side, and chew exclusively on my right side. I will also have something called NCR on the right of my face (more about that another time). My right side also has more acne and blushing as if things weren’t bad enough. I am actually quite excited by how bad it is, it’s like the ultimate challenge.
I’ll keep you posted.